this infection

there is something inside of me
that does not let itself be known.
it is buried deep.
even i can't find it
half the time.

this old need aches in me.
and it is this -
i need to be known.

where i came from i
was not allowed to say those words.
she pushed them down my throat
to watch me choke on
my own needs.

i was never allowed to want.
i was always supposed to be the quiet one
and out of place in everywhere
i was.

i do not know how to fight against this.
oh it has tried to let itself out
in a hundred different ways.
when i was younged i tried to
starve myself out of this world
but then they came with their
bitter pills
and i grew fat.

as i gained weight i gained a rage
that hummed in my veins and that
whispered for pain.
for ten years i listened to that
scream i kept company with.
i paid worship to those
masochistic gods with
anything i could steal.
you show me five, i'll raise you a thousand
and tell you how each one came to be.
it's amazing

how the skin mends, but it does
not forget. nor do i.
i wear my reminders on my arms.
i wear my reminders and strangers
never shut up about it when i'm walking
down the street.

i have pierced my ears until there
is no room for anything else.
i have hoops in my lips and
studs between my
eyebrows.
my hair is now blue.

and still i cannot admit to myself
that i need to be noticed.
such stark cries are anathema
to how i was brought up.
whenever i go out, wherever i end up,
people stare at me.
they yell to me from cars
and whisper behind my back.

but this is not what i need.
i need something deeper.
i need one person to always know where i am
and to need me back.
i cannot be who i am supposed to be
when i am with anyone but you.